Middle Child Syndrome

Things have been rough since Ryan's been home from school. There has been a lot of whining, a lot of complaining, a lot of tattling and a lot of time spent in separate rooms. My motto of "if you can't get along, you can't play together" is repeated over and over.

At first, both Ryan and Kaylin were getting in trouble when things erupted. The new dynamic of having Ryan home was very difficult for both kids, but I wrongfully assumed that he was more to blame because bad habits had followed him home from school.

After a few days, I realized that Ryan wasn't really doing anything wrong. He wasn't being perfect, but it was obvious that when he was punished, he was correcting his behavior and his attitude improved. But Kaylin was not. My sweet, helper-girl, mini-mama had turned into a tiny terror overnight.

It's like Ryan is suddenly the enemy. She races to beat him everywhere, runs to grab a diaper when I ask Ryan to get one for me, yanks things out of his hands, sits in Ryan's chair when he gets up from the table to get a drink, screams when something is clearly an accident, bursts into tears at the slightest injustice...the drama has been out of control.

Then a light bulb went off: Kaylin is jealous. And probably feeling unimportant.

My middle child was becoming a textbook middle child right in front of my eyes. She was competing with Ryan to reclaim her rank as the older, responsible child (which she was while he was at school during the days just a few weeks ago).

The first thing I did (once this finally dawned on me) was sat Ryan down and talked to him. I asked him to step up. To be the "bigger man" in each situation. To let her scramble into the van before him, for him to pick a different seat when she sits in his chair at breakfast, to show her that "winning" isn't that big of a deal. I didn't use this verbiage, but I wanted him to "kill her with kindness." I suggested that we try this for a whole day to see if it made a difference with Kaylin's attitude.

I tweaked my approach, too. I gave her more opportunities to be a big girl, I divided out responsibilities for both kids so it would seem more fair to her, I wasn't as quick to reward Ryan for compliance when Kaylin wasn't behaving, I tried not to be so hard on her for being over emotional about every. little. thing.

It took until later in the morning, but eventually her confidence started coming back and she stopped clawing her way back into her rightful place in the pecking order. She slowly dropped the attitude and began enjoying her big brother again. It's been a much more peaceful household.

I've let Ryan off the hook about giving in to her tantrums, but have reminded him daily to be a better example because he's the oldest sibling. And he is stepping it up, for the most part. I have had to tell him (repeatedly) not to correct her if she pretends to know how to spell a word or acts like she's as knowledgeable as him.

I shouldn't be surprised that Kaylin fell into the birth order role of the middle child. I guess I was just hoping that because she's the only girl, that she would feel different and unique for all the right reasons.

It took seven months for this to surface. Likely because all day long, with Ryan in school, she's been the top dog since Jason arrived.

This is all new for me. As an only child, I don't "get" the whole sibling rivalry thing. Can't we all just get along???

I'm ready to consciously help Kaylin feel special and important in her own way. Any advice from moms of middles out there?